From print to radio; from English to Filipino.

It’s the ugliest feeling in the world to feel inadequate and unskilled. I began this week feeling empowered for the first time in almost a year, but I’m ending it with depression tugging at my heart. I’ve felt this way a thousand times before but there’s no getting used to it. It’s just downright painful.

I’ve a radio feature due today, and I haven’t done a thing on it, except make an ordinary outline. From Tuesday until yesterday I hunted down cardiologists and internists, for my feature is on the coronary artery disease. It seemed, though, that the universe opted to conspire against me, as no medical doctor was available or had the time to sit down with me for a quick interview. There was also a lack of time to find somebody with the disease, so human interest was bound to be nil for this feature. I’ve half a mind to submit my assignment late for the first time; I have, after all, zero progress. And with my sour mood I don’t think I can focus on anything today.

If only I had a topic as early as Christmas break. The head of the radio program decides this, and it was only last week I got wind of it–when I was doing an expert interview. But I guess I can’t blame anyone for my faults.

Normally I do okay cramming stuff. But last night, and the night before that, the coffee lured me not into concentrating, but sleeping, and before I fell asleep, I just couldn’t write anything. I point my finger at the fact that the script’s supposed to be writ in Filipino, a weakness, rather than a strength, of mine. And it’s just pitiful that I can’t do this one exercise I’d been so excited for. A feature intended for the radio, and not for print. A break from tradition, something new. But I’m failing at it, and I’m drowning in my feelings of self-loathing and frustration.


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