Archive for the 'That’s Life' Category

Anywhere but here.

I’ve been watching a bunch of post-college movies since I graduated (e.g., Post-Grad, St. Elmo’s Fire, and Reality Bites), and the culture abroad seems to have rubbed off on me; I wish I could move out of here already and live my own life. Have a job I really want. Dine at various places and never go hungry at night because I didn’t like what was for dinner. Pick out and buy clothes, shoes, and bags without some family member nagging me to hurry up or select something else ’cause either my weird taste is showing or the item is expensive. Play my music on loud speakers and not worry about any filial character commenting on how he or she does not like the current song playing. I honestly have deep regard for the fact that Asians are more family-oriented than Westerners, but there are times like these when I can’t help wishing I were anywhere but here.

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“I don’t live to please you.”

I don’t effin’ want to work yet. As for my goal in life. Ha! I have none.

Freeeeeeee.

So I’ve officially graduated. It took a while for that to sink in–for me to realize what it actually meant: no more late nights cramming, no more chasing deadlines, no more dealing with worthless groupmates (at least for the meantime), and no more waking up early. I’M FREE. I wish I could take a couple of months of vacation just to prolong my liberty, but I don’t think my parents would allow that, the control freaks that they are. A while ago, when a television channel began telecasting the “Royal Wedding of the Century,” my dad repeatedly bugged me about joining them to watch it. I was so annoyed I practically shouted back at him words about me not being interested AT ALL in the royal-stinking-wedding. He left me after that. I think I’m in for the silent treatment tonight. Oh wait, no, there’s gonna be non-stop yapping about how I missed so much.

Anyway. I didn’t mean to be harsh, but I’ve just been so irritated with all the weight people have been putting on the stupid wedding.

It sucks to be alone.

Especially when I need somebody.

I’m on the brink of hating myself again. Maybe I already have.

I don’t need this right now. I have to concentrate. But I can’t.

Don’t you look back.

While watching The Dance again this afternoon, I realized, through Don’t Stop, that yesterday really is gone. And I shouldn’t obsess over what’s done…

You see, I hate what I was a few years ago–I hate the things I did, the things I said. The things I didn’t do. Sometimes I think I’m over it, but little things keep triggering memories, and I begin to hate myself again. A part of me wishes I could go back and do everything differently, but then I think, what would I be today if I never realized the things I was capable of?

I just can’t stand hating myself over and over again. For things that happened years ago and things that happened only yesterday. All the self-loathing’s been suffocating, and I might be dead the next time I hate myself. This episodic abhorrence needs to come to an end, I know. The question is how. How can we really put the past behind us?

Birthday woes.

I’m turning 20 tomorrow. Yup, it’s my big day on the eleventh. I’m really not excited (it seems I’ve forgotten how to feel excited for anything), but I’m already grateful for the things I know will come, like my parent’s celebration for me, and whatever gifts they’ll give me… Unfortunately, though, melancholy has enveloped me because I’m afraid for something… (I do mean “for”; will elaborate next time)… and because none of my friends seem to have remembered that my birthday’s coming up. I mean, friends who aren’t former teachers or relatives of mine. Sigh. But whatever. It’s a trivial thing to be sad about. Besides, that’s what Facebook is for, right. To remind people of birthdays.

I feel terrible. I feel terrible. I feel terrible.

I can’t stand it. I want to disappear.


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