Posts Tagged 'life'

Birthday woes.

I’m turning 20 tomorrow. Yup, it’s my big day on the eleventh. I’m really not excited (it seems I’ve forgotten how to feel excited for anything), but I’m already grateful for the things I know will come, like my parent’s celebration for me, and whatever gifts they’ll give me… Unfortunately, though, melancholy has enveloped me because I’m afraid for something… (I do mean “for”; will elaborate next time)… and because none of my friends seem to have remembered that my birthday’s coming up. I mean, friends who aren’t former teachers or relatives of mine. Sigh. But whatever. It’s a trivial thing to be sad about. Besides, that’s what Facebook is for, right. To remind people of birthdays.

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I feel terrible. I feel terrible. I feel terrible.

I can’t stand it. I want to disappear.

The Night My Tears Came Tumbling Down.

But somebody’s got to do it, right?,
I ask them.
It can be done.
Because if you can do it,
I can too.
Isn’t that how it works?,
I ask them.

Please tell me I can do this,
I say.
Help me believe in myself.
Didn’t you have this trouble, once?
Help me, please.
Because my feet are bursting with blisters,
I’ve traveled so far, you see.
But my head is complaining,
I think I’ve been going in circles.
Now my eyes fog up and I can’t see anymore
I can’t see where I am headed.

A backseat.

Last week I found out a UPLB student killed herself in her apartment. Hardly a year ago, another female student took her life by drinking formalin. The suicide rate in the university is increasing, and people have begun wondering who’ll be next.

I didn’t personally know the student, but every time I hear about her it makes me feel sad and I ponder about whatever new thing I learned.

She allegedly did it because she failed a subject when it was already her last semester in the university. To make matters worse, when she told her friends about it they shrugged it off, thinking she was joking.

I don’t know if all that was true, but that’s the story that I got.

Since the news of her death, a number of people have been criticizing her act. I hear people saying, left and right, things like “She only failed one subject and yet that was enough for her to commit suicide?” and “Why throw away life, when it’s so beautiful?” Everyone wants to be a critic!

Maybe for the girl (for I can’t even type her name and thinking about her name gives me the chills) it wasn’t beautiful. Maybe for her failing that one subject was too much of a flaw in her grand plan of graduating. Maybe for her, the news was too devastating.

I’m not here to defend what she did. I am a Catholic and I stand by Catholic teachings–most of them, anyway. And I do believe life is beautiful and life is what we make it. But I would like to say, cut the girl some slack. We UP students criticize nearly everything, and most of the time, that’s good, but when death like this is involved, I think we should give it a rest and let her family and friends grieve in peace. Criticizing needs to take a backseat for a while.

—————

People lose their way a lot of times, and sometimes when they do, they’re so overwhelmed that they end up doing bad things. I think the best thing to do is to pray for her soul and for others, too, who are lost and need guidance.

—————

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

-The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald

Yes we can.

“YAHOOO!!! PASADO TAU SA UP!! HAHAHA =P… ang saya2 grabeh.. this is so cool… I can’t wait for summer… hehe…

Binisita ko friendster ko knna pra lng magpost ng shoutout na pumasa ako. Ehehe. But I’m just so happy, you know? Grabe knnang mdaling araw nga lang ako ngaral ng econ dahil sa sbrang tamad kgb… hehe… I couldn’t focus because of my happiness… nakakasama na pla mgng masaya?? Hehe.Ü

I can’t wait to start my college life with u guys… although hard, it’ll probably be fun too… especially since ur still gonna be there by my side… I bet we’ll all meet some new people… pro uy wlang iwanan ha?? Hehe… astig tlga… who would’ve guessed na hndi nmn pla tau mgkkhwa-hwalay…;P”

—————————

I was digging up old files and I found this, an excerpt from a typewritten letter I gave to two of my closest friends in high school. Reading it over again made me feel eerie–I can’t believe those were actually my words, that I sounded much like an over-enthusiastic kid. It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten how I used to be like.

I wrote the letter on January 23, 2007, at past 10am. I included that information on the letter, that’s how I know. It was nearly four years ago.

Four years ago. Back then, I was so excited to see the world–to meet new people and to feel like an adult. To leave everything behind and start over.

Four years later, I got what I wanted. I saw the world, yes. I met so many different people, not all of whom I got along with. I felt like an adult. I’d left everything behind. I’d started over.

And it doesn’t feel good. I’m lazier, more pessimistic,  more selfish, and I don’t know how to not be these things. It’s sad.

But I want to start over again. After all, change is possible.

Today in numbers.

  • 2 meals
  • 7 text messages
  • 2 Tumblr replies
  • 13 hours of sleep
  • 2 musical compositions
  • 1 new Facebook Group member
  • 1 good dream
  • 1 CD played
  • 1/2 of a TV show watched
  • 20 channels
  • no meaningful conversation with anyone face to face
  • 1 new follower on Tumblr
  • 11 songs listened to so far
  • 3 plans scrapped
  • 3 friends’ birthdays
  • 1 sad encounter
  • 2 realizations
  • 0 productivity

This day was a blur. I spent so much time sleeping that I wasn’t able to do anything academic. Or filial.. Sucks to be me.

I’m still boiling.

I’m so damn messed up. Just had to say.


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